A Very Rough Draft
Alright, below is a rough, rough draft of my writing. My initial intent was to focus on the evolution of synchronized swimming, but after beginning to write I feel is a story that turns into facts about synchronized swimming. I am not actually sure if this works - hopefully it does once I edit it? Since I am now "putting it in" Seventeen, I wanted to make it more personal since that is the way most of the articles in the publication are written. I would divide the article up even more with some subheadings. I was also thinking of turning it into a simple Question and Answer interview format, since I see that a lot to, but I am not sure if Amy and Stephanie would count that as an acceptable article. What do you think? I know that the end of my article drifts off in a variety of directions because I was trying to include a little bit of everything. What do you think is important, and what are you still confused about? So, without further ado, here it is:
My heart is pounding; I try to
breathe through my nose to check my nose clip. No air comes in or goes out. The
moves speed through my head; an abridged version of the complicated 4:00 minute
routine I will shortly be completing. I raise each knee to stretch, shake out
my legs and arms as I check my nose clip again. A few of my teammates dance to
the music playing in the background from the routine before us, as others drill
our routine with small hand movements. Another stands quietly on the outskirts
of our team circle. We each have our own way to stay calm before competing. It
is practically our time to shine. We huddle for the pep talk from our coach;
hugs all around. I check my nose clip. Take a gulp of water, for my throat that
is now dry from nerves. We line up in the proper order as we have practiced so
many times before. I check my nose clip one final time.
“Five, six,
seven…” In unison we roll our shoulders back to make sure we are standing up
straight. “…Eight...” Our heads rise and move to a 45-degree angle, looking at
the team sign we agreed on about half an hour before, during warm-up. “...One…”
Right leg and left arm move first. We begin to walk out, a transparently
nervous smile painted on my face. Two counts of eight later we stop at the
center of the deck. We glide to our positions as the counts continue, and
finally we pose just as practiced. The announcer fights with the cheering crowd
to inform the judges and audience of our age group, team name, and routine
number. A whistle blows. Silence. A silence that is less then ten seconds but
feels as if it could last forever.
The start of familiar music cuts the silence.
The music I have heard at least 50 times a week for the last 4 months. I
nervously go through the movements as practiced. Finally, it is time to dive
into the water. My hands hit the chilly water and soon the familiar feel of the
water engulfs my body. My nerves seem to have rushed from my body as the water
came towards it.
The next four minutes fly by as my
arms and legs do the work for me. Muscle memory has taken over. The fast
movements that at some points I thought I would never accomplish now come with
ease. My smile has become natural as I make eye contact with the judges
surrounding the pool. The end of our routine comes. Breathing hard with a smile
still on my face I climb out and hug my teammates. I feel good about my
performance, and the scores back up the feeling. I cannot believe I have come
this far.
I have just completed my final swim – team
finals at collegiate nationals. It feels like just yesterday that my 7-year-old
self was struggling to stay afloat at my first practice. My grandmother was a
synchronized swimming coach. She coached my mother who now coaches and
naturally I have followed the tradition.
Synchronized swimming has come so
far since my grandmother’s time. We both watch each other’s routines with
amazement. The fast sharp movements to which I am accustomed to would be seen
as splash and commotion in my grandmother’s day. My grandmother started
synchronized swimming during the era of Esther Williams. Esther Williams is one
of the most renowned American synchronized swimmers. Williams was an amazing
speed swimmer, but her true fame came when she was cast as the lead Aquabelle
in Hollywood’s Aquacade. Synchronized
swimming skyrocketed in American pop culture during the 40’s and 50’s on the
silver screen.
But, Esther Williams was not the
first to show the world this sport. Australian speed swimmer Annette Kellermann
is known as the originator of synchronized swimming. After an underwater show,
in a shocking one piece, at the New York hippodrome, global popularity began to
rise. Teams began forming and competition became more serious.
Synchronized swimming is no longer
a display of beauty; it has become quite a serious and difficult sport. Do not
let the shining smiles, and the swimmers dowsed in make up and glitter, fool
you; synchronized swimming requires great skill and strength. It has been
described as a combination of speed swimming, gymnastics, and ballet, each a
difficult sport on its own. Then add the challenge of holding your breath for
lengthy periods of time while completing the acrobatics.
Synchronized swimming has a variety
of elements. There are different routines including solos, duets, teams, and
combination routines. Swimmers also learn individual events called figures,
which are not done to music. Competitions tend to be in pools ranging from
approximately 7 to 13 feet deep, as touching and getting assistance from the
bottom of the pool will result in a point deduction.
After years of effort, synchronized
swimming was finally added as an all female Olympic sport, in 1984. Each year
the Olympics has changed a somewhat based one which routines were able to
compete. Today, there is a duet and team competition, both free and technical
at the Olympics. A free routine is a series of movements to music of the
swimmers and choreographers choice, where as a technical routine is a series of
required movements with only a few tailored moves.
The Olympics is not the only place
to go in your synchronized swimming career, and the shows of Esther Williams
have not completely died out, although they have been greatly modified.
Cirque du Soliel has provided an
entirely new outlook on the sport. “O” as incorporated the beauty and
acrobatics of synchronized swimming with a sense of danger and wonderment.
There is a world of opportunity in synchronized swimming. Ranging in ages 5 years to 90 years old, synchronized swimming can be a sport for life. Whether you are a swimmer, coach, or spectator, a novice swimmer, age group swimmer, Olympic swimmer, career swimmer, or master’s swimmer, once you begin, synchronized swimming will always be in your heart.
The beginning of this is AMAZING. I seriously had chill at your description. I was completely involved in the story. Loved it to bits.
ReplyDeleteA few suggestions: the paragraphs toward the end starting with the elements to synchronized swimming felt chopping and underdeveloped. I'm sure there's more meat you could add in there. I wanted to know more about elements of synchronized swimming.
I also loved the part about your family lineage. That's a great addition. I'd love to know even more about the history just within your family. I think just a few sentences about a memory or story would suffice.
Also, the part about Annette Kellermann confused me a tad. With only a sentence about her, I didn't quite catch her significance.
I think you've done really well with this and just a little more building and you'll have a dynamite piece, in my opinion! Awesome job!
Hi, Tracy. I really like how you capture the reader's attention with your personal account in the beginning--great start! I agree with Emily's comments about the paragraph with Annette-it is a bit confusing when you mention the Hippodrome--I think something is missing there. However, you've done a great job talking about the sport in a logical manner--I wouldn't change it to a Q and A, but I would include a quote from your grandmother if possible.
ReplyDeleteI would like to see you come full circle in the conclusion by bringing back to you--since you end with the idea that "once a sych. swimmer, always a synch. swimmer" perhaps you could end with something like this: "Even though it has been X years since I competed, I often find myself breathing in through my nose to see if my clip is still secure." Something like that perhaps?
You have a few comma issues--if you send me your Word file, I would be happy to track them for you before Wednesday.